My sons are both in their forties now. They were teenagers when I wrote this piece. I was much younger, too, and had much to learn (still do!) as I continued my walk with the Lord. I intentionally did not change any of the thoughts I had at the time I wrote this, so please grant me grace and just enjoy the story. I thought it might be timely during the Christmas season and maybe some last-minute shopping trips.
I was not born to be unseen, unheard, and unknown. I was born to take up the space my body fills, to say the words my heart needs me to say, and to be known and loved by at least a few family members and friends.
Sometimes, I feel so insecure and insignificant that it’s hard to remember to talk in a normal voice instead of a quiet, meek whisper. It’s hard to remember not to curl into a tight little ball in my husband’s arms, thinking “nobody can hurt me now.” Sometimes, I guess we all want to hide from the world and all its craziness.
Then there are times so joyous that I want to shout and sing at the top of my lungs. I want the world to know I’m here, look at me! On these days, I remember when my sons taught me how to “mall walk.” I was always trying to get out of everyone’s way, not to be a bother, and saying “sorry” every time I even slightly bumped someone. It always took me forever to get from one place to the next.
One day when both my guys were with me, they decided to teach me how to walk assertively. So, mall walkin’…it’s really just slinging your arms high, walking with your feet wide apart, long strides, completely taking up your space. They told me “people will move when you walk like this.” They were right. People move. They see a confident person. They make room. It reminds me of that saying I first heard in the movie, Spencer’s Mountain, “The world steps aside to let a man pass when he knows where he is going.”
I want to fit into my world, Lord. I don’t want to be just a quiet little nothing. I want to make a difference, a good difference, and it takes a confident, happy person to do that. Help me to serve you, Lord, the best way I can and maybe, one day, when I’m mall walkin’ – simply trying my best to live the life you want me to live – You will smile.